Saturday, January 7, 2012
What about me?...My road to the fifth decade.
This post is not meant to be a pity party. It is not meant to be a complaint session or a lament for the loss of my free time or a desire to have fewer kids and enough time.
I have 4 great kids. And it is a big job. I mean, $5 loaves of gluten free bread, medical expenses, dispensing medicine, and oh yeah, they like to eat. I run the dishwasher at least once a day, but most days twice. I keep my laundry machines in full hum at least two full days a week. I prepare and clean up three meals and countless snacks each day. I sweep the floor under my dining room table a lot. (but not as often as I should!) My quest to get my kids exposed to stuff results in me driving all over: music therapy and piano, basketball, library and therapy appointments. Some mornings it is 10am before I realize that I brushed 4 sets of teeth and none of them were mine.
One morning this week, I looked in the mirror and realized I didn't really recognize the person staring back at me. This isn't some TV movie kind of moment, but I haven't done something "just for me" for a long time. I don't have coffee with friends, I don't get my hair done, I don't take long vacations away from my kids, and I can count on one hand how many times my husband and I ate dinner alone all of last year.
I think I might like to have some time to do just stuff I like this year. I have a bit of guilt as I write this, but I do want to be okay with the idea of being somewhere other than with my kids.
Things are changing for my family in a really big way. There is a certain amount of excitement and fear that comes with these changes. Also guilt...maternal guilt. In the coming months I will work through these feelings of self doubt and guilt and hopefully get ready to enjoy the fifth decade.