As we enjoy the holidays as a family, my kids have been off "the schedule" for 9 days. Frankly, I need the schedule as much as they do. They have not taken naps at the "right" time, if they take them at all. We are not eating at the "right" time (or the "right" stuff...pumpkin pie for dessert 3 nights in a row!). My husband, a detail oriented guy whose first inclination is not helping me with the kids, has been home 3 whole days. Oh, and the weather for the last week has been yucky and cold and icy, so no one goes outside. The situation has created the perfect storm.
I have become THAT mom. You know the one. I am either completely oblivious to kid #2 smacking the daylights out of kid #3 or I am screaming at the top of my lungs after asking kid #1 for the 17th time to pick something up or most recently to not play quarterback and inflatable receiver in the kitchen. I mean, I think I have lost my mind. And my kids are looking at me collectively like "What is her deal?" Tonight I am just about to lose it. I'm waiting for my Mother of the Year certificate. Surely my kids will nominate me after tonight's performance.
Beyond being at my wits end, the guilt is overwhelming. I HATE that they see me like that. I HATE that they have a screaming, crazy mommy. I HATE that I get that mad. I HATE that I have to say stuff over and over and over. "Please put that down, put that down now please, I said put it down, PUT IT DOWN NOW!!! This is my typical speech pattern.
I am hoping that this blog will serve some of the purposes that I had planned for it. To help me put my thoughts and feelings down and maybe give me an opportunity to work through things and tract the progress of my thoughts and ideas. So, I sat my kids down and said that the yelling has to stop and that if I have to repeat myself more than once there will be consequences. And I mean it. 2009 is not going to have me crazed one minute and guilt ridden the next. It sends my kids the wrong message...and they are beginning to figure it out.
All I can do is try harder tomorrow. I need a calming chant, or Lamaze breathing, or a Zen garden, or SPRING!!!!